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  • Virus (1999)

    Alien electricity has taken over a Russian research ship and it’s up to the crew of a salvage tugboat to not die.

    Jamie Lee Curtis plays Foster, the heroine. In a 2010 interview, Curtis stated this is the worst movie she’s ever done. Grab the popcorn, this is gon’ b good.

    The movie also stars Donald Sutherland and William Baldwin, but the characters are so pathetic, it really matters not who the actors are.

    As the “story” progresses, the horrors created by the alien electricity are slowly revealed. Apparently, the robot creatures need to merge with biological material for some reason. Because decaying bio-matter is great for spare parts. Or maybe they were trying to figure out how to survive without an electrical power source?

    The suspense and tone are so completely like every other Sci-Fi horror movie that has ever come before. Same clichés. Same formulas. Other than the dumb alien electricity idea, there is not much original. I can’t believe someone greenlit $75 million for this turd. There is literally nothing to like or remember. Even at 99 minutes, it still feels like it takes forever to not do anything worthwhile.

    I wonder what the director’s audio commentary has to say.

    Rating:


  • Chopping Mall (1986)

    Also known as Killbots, this movie is about a mall security force comprised of clunky autonomous robots. The bots are supposed to be harmless, but become lethal after a lightning strike. A group of furniture store employees decides to have an after hours party with their significant others (*wink*), and all hell breaks loose as the bots go on a killing rampage once the mall is locked down at closing time.

    Even though this is a terrible flick, there is actually a lot to like about it. The music is great, the locations and decorum are wonderfully ancient, and the 77-minute running time just whips by. Then you got a nice peppering of skin shots.

    The bad bits are that no one can act at all, the killer robots are bumbling sloths with no real menace, and every action scene is pretty much the same. It also comes to an explosive climax and ends abruptly, which is probably welcomed by most viewers.

    The movie doesn’t take itself too seriously, and it’s fun to see what malls looked like in the mid-80s. I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is one of the better bad movies out there. It’s at least palatable.

    Rating: