With panic buying taking over all the supply of toilet paper in the United States (again), MattBrand has decided to capitalize on the opportunity. You may think this is ordinary toilet paper, but you’d be wrong. This new and improved product has extra features that your regular toilet paper just doesn’t have:

• Glow in the dark coating for those late night poops.
• Secret compartment for hiding valuables in the last place a thief would think to check.
• Poop guard enhancements to keep the poop on the paper and not on your hands.
• Softer than silk.
• Potpourri infusion for fresh smells.

That’s right, your butt needs this!

In the immortal words of Larry:
“Wipe your ass at night and think about me”